|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Dec 30, 2003 22:37:02 GMT -5
All right, ya'll. I redid parts of this and took out the stupid feet... how's it sound now? Be honest! The Ax Man By: Victoria H. black eyes and blue tears names are given to my fears as flames creep nearer the crowds are cruel, snide "kill the witch, burn her alive" oh God let me die hope! there's the ax man fire is too cruel for my sin "sir, please do me in" God, stop this sharp heat skies open up, i feel sleet but death can't be beat the flames smolder, fade fate's now sealed by a blade but i'm not afraid last words of wisdom open my mouth, nothing comes head falls, my blood runs
|
|
|
Post by slacker (The forgotten Mod) on Jan 1, 2004 6:31:58 GMT -5
i like the re-write, but is it just me or did u change a lot?
|
|
|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Jan 1, 2004 6:42:32 GMT -5
Well, between your huge list of critiques and b26's there was a lot to change- like, half of it. should something have stayed the same?
|
|
|
Post by slacker (The forgotten Mod) on Jan 1, 2004 7:03:56 GMT -5
maybe im just remembering wrong but... it looks like some of these lines werent even in the original almost seems like its changed meanings
|
|
|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Jan 1, 2004 7:07:27 GMT -5
Yeah, I totally replaced some lines...
|
|
|
Post by slacker (The forgotten Mod) on Jan 1, 2004 7:14:25 GMT -5
yeah, i can see that, lol
|
|
|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Jan 1, 2004 7:25:17 GMT -5
Well, these haiku- rhyming things aren't like reg. poems where you can change a line and the rest is still okay... geez, change one line, gotta change the rest, if you've got a 7syllable phrase on a 5 syllable line, you gotta move it down and come up with something else for the 5 line.... it's a lil tricky, that's all...
|
|
|
Post by slacker (The forgotten Mod) on Jan 1, 2004 7:43:47 GMT -5
...or they could just not ryhme
|
|
|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Jan 1, 2004 7:46:18 GMT -5
Hmm. in that case, i'd have to rewrite the whole thing- it all rhymes...
|
|
|
Post by slacker (The forgotten Mod) on Jan 1, 2004 7:52:13 GMT -5
oops, nvm then
|
|
|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Jan 1, 2004 7:54:26 GMT -5
Thought you'd see it my way...
|
|
|
Post by Joseph Scott Morris on Jan 10, 2004 0:49:34 GMT -5
You two, LoL ! ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by VictoriaH (missing him) on Jan 10, 2004 13:02:02 GMT -5
Hehe, hey Joe... You're slipping up in your old age- you didn't even tell me to capitilize my "i's"...
|
|